attempting to read ALL FOUR twilight books in one fell swoop... time to see if the books described to me as "tween girl soft-core mormon porn fanfiction" are all they're cracked up to be.
Kelly : Ugh. You poor thing. Remove all sharp objects from the room in which you read. They're effin awful...
Megan : Hahaha I told her she will want to kill herself after the first one. I can't even bring myself to read the rest because the first one was so painful.
Kelly : I seriously do not get why people like it. It's sappy, poorly written (I found typos) and completely disturbing in places.
Matt : Caitlin, I never knew you were so masochistic...
Megan : Hahahaha.
Caitlin : oh come on, i was a lit major! i LIVE for this kind of pain.
Andrea : I actually liked the books. *don't shoot* I completely agree with the poor writing / repetitiveness, but I still found the story entertaining. Breaking Dawn was disturbing on many levels but I couldn't put it down.
Kelly : The end of breaking dawn with the "battle" or whatever...terrible. She needed a lesson in how to write a good fight scene. Or at least watched an action flick. Do Mormon's get to watch movies? :-p
Megan : Better than the end of the first one where rather than there being action they describe to her what happened.
Kelly : I want to hear more from Caitlin! Let us know where you are at now.
James : No. No they are not.
Caitlin : kelly - haven't you ever heard of clean flicks? THAT'S how mormons watch movies. edited to death until they don't make sense because anything they don't like is taken out or overdubbed.
ok, 200 pages in. i'm already sick of/ disgusted by/ supremely annoyed that edward's voice keeps being referred to, in some degree, as being velvet-y. velvet is outdated. was when this book was being written, still is now, and now i have black velvet stuck in my head. PS in love with him already is LAME.
Andrea : After she compares him to marble about 8 million times you will forget all about the velvety voice. Don't worry, the rest of the books aren't quite so repetitive.
Kelly : OMG your status is going to provide me with the best entertainment EVER. Thanks Caitlin!!!
Matt : AGREED, don't stop the commentary.
Stephanie : He also "murmurs" a lot.
Megan : And she never shuts up about how cold he is.
Kelly : I'm...cold.
Megan : Hahaha who would you rather wake up to see standing at the end of your bed...a vampire or the creepy I'm cold kid?
Kelly : Does the vampire sparkle?And does the creepy kid have a knife?
Megan : No knife and the vampire only sparkles in the sunlight so it doesn't apply at night.
Kelly : Ok...hmm...I guess I'd rather wake up to the vampire. But his name needs to
be Bill Compton.
Megan : I'm gonna fly down there and dress in all white and sit at the foot of your bed and say "I'm...cold" over and over.
Matt : TRUE BLOOD!!!!! ♥ that show.
Kelly : Elliot would bite your face hahaha. Thats her spot on my bed.
Caitlin : LOL and i'm the entertainment, kelly? this is freakin PRICELESS!
Megan : This status feed is probably a better read than that lame book.
Kelly : What hehehe...I'm adorable ♥
Caitlin : got a new one up for the night. i'm sure more status changes will come in the morning.
one more for the night: page 330 or so. we're in love!!!! he touches her and she tingles BLAH BLAH BLAH. he turns you on... omfg we get it, bella! you smell nice and he likes to... breathe your scent... um. i think i read that in a harlequin romance novel once upon a time, actually, but in a significantly, shall we say, different context.
Megan : Oh she doesn't just tingle...she attacks him, which is naturally what we all do when we like someone.
Caitlin : indeed. OH, i needed to mention that edward... oh edward. tossing his magnificent head and laughing. at least he has a personality, unlike the movie. you might even say it's a *sparkling* personality. but SRSLY, folks, the monologue in the meadows, and now he just keeeeeeps on taaaaaaalking. he needs to STFU already!!
Alta : I'm really glad you're reading these not because they are good books but because I am greatly enjoying the updates on your progress.
Kelly : I just had an idea caitlin. ask the megan about it hehehe.
James : I think twilight actually gives harlequin romance novels a bad name. Twilight needs more bodice ripping.
Caitlin : kelly and megan - I LOVE IT!!! let's do it, that's frickin awesome and amazing!
alta - you knew it would be this way. you're the one that called it soft-core mormon porn, if i recall correctly... lol what kind of mindset was that supposed to put me in?!?!
james - i love you! more bodice ripping! drinks all around!
around page 425 now. they just "formally" dropped the L-bombs. i just want to know why there are SO MANY insipid details about cold skin and brilliant white teeth, yet none of my questions get answered because the "important" stuff is so vaguely explained and relies heavily, if not solely, on the emotional naivety of the intended audience of pre-pubescent tweens who have no idea how to sort through and control all their new emotions.
Kelly : Heheheh. Save these comments and we'll use them.
Alta : I did call it soft-core mormon porn, cause thats what it is, oh and a teeny tiny little plot thrown in right at the end...guh
final verdict for twilight: wow, most anti-climactic ending EVER. the prom bit was really stupid, i would have gotten rid of the whole thing, called the author, and told her it needed to be entirely restructured, and needed to have a point, or else i wouldn't allow it to be in the book. end grammar/ typo flub count: 3. really stupid ones too, that pisses me off.
Caitlin : so, on to new moon! and by "!" i mean "yay..." in the most insincere way possible.
Megan : Don't you love how at the end when there is finally action, she passes out and misses it and they just have to tell her "Oh yeah, we killed the bad guy."
Kas : I'm enjoying the comments. I still haven't been able to bring myself to read those books. I should, tho, if only so I can make fun with real knowledge :p
Christopher : I read the first 2 pages, realized it was awful, and was satisfied with having read this: http://stoney321.livejourn
Kelly : Hahahahah
around the page 200 mark. lots of hanging out with jacob. B still seems zombie-like to me, but that's because i'll forever have kristen stewart imprinted on my brain as bella. and thanks to a certain blog link posted under my last update, i now have the image of the actor who played unkas in last of the mohicans in my ...head, because that's who is pictured in said blog as jakey-poo. *droooooool.*
Caitlin : so we have cradle robbing, cliff diving, and motorcycles. sounds like more anti-climactic shenanigans and opportunities for bella "i'm an injured kitten" swan to get more attention from guys she doesn't deserve. rad.
Jillyn : you're hilarious
Stephanie : So wait, wait...why are you reading the second one if you didn't like the first one? Just so you can complain about it? Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with that...just curious.
Caitlin : stephanie, i want to read all 4 of them just to do it. kinda a stubbornness streak, but i also hate it when people rag on me and say, "well, you saw the movie but never read the books, so you don't know." which makes me curious. and i'd give the first one a solid C-. i'm actually liking this one more. and by liking, i mean i still have a picture of that actor in my head for jacob, and that makes me happy.
page 366. OH LOOK bella jumped off a cliff... somehow hits the water without knowing it (? oh. waves. k.), and then blacks out. can anyone say cry for help? this girl is seriously suicidal. not to mention obsessive. poor jake! kid gets sick and she's calling him all over the place, hassling his dad, and feeding her own... dad stories. oy vey, girl! leave him alone! no? ok, then jump off a cliff. ATTENTION WHORE.
page 485 AND THERE'S THE VELVET AGAIN. DAMMIT, EDWARD, I DID NOT MISS YOU.
Caitlin : team jacob!
Megan : I'm team Taylor Lautner.
Caitlin : hmmm... it can be team taylor/ hot Native American actor/ jacob/ but not really jacob.
Megan : I actually was stuck behind a car today that had a "Team Edward" bumper sticker. I died a little.
Caitlin : ew
on to eclipse. typo/ grammar count in new moon: 2. plot count: um...? what?
Megan : -12?
Caitlin : pretty much.
Alta : Eclipse was my favorite! I cannot remember why though, maybe it had a real plot? Anywho, maybe your posts will inspire me to reread it, cause I keep trying to remember why I liked it most and can't...
Molly : why are you doing this to yourself?
Ashley : When you finish Breaking Dawn tell me the ending. I only made it half way though the book before I threw it across the room because I couldn't read such trash.
Megan : I haven't read the last 3, but I believe in the last book she has some demon baby and some other shit goes down and then they all sparkle some more.
Caitlin : EPIC DISCOVERY: the whole theme of the book is based on whatever quote she puts at the beginning of the book. in fact, i wouldn't be surprised at all if she based all 4 books off these quotes. i mean... romeo & juliet in new moon? and now frost's fire and ice, an obvious reference to too-hot tall furry boy and cold-as-marble adonis? so ...
Caitlin : and it wasn't actually epic, i figured it out at the start of new moon and the theory was confirmed with eclipse.
i guess it's back to obsessive bella and fabric/stone like edward. last night his voice was smooth as silk. it was a departure.
Jessica : I cannot believe you're putting yourself through that torture!
Kelly : This weekend I am seriously starting the blog. Keep these saved!
most. awkward. proposition for sex. ever. i seriously had to put the book down and walk away. i'm embarassed that someone thought that it was ok to leave that in the book without some major overhauling. and i'm really embarassed that it was written in the first place. ugghhh.
Caitlin : and i know bella's only 18 and probably hasn't had her first OB/GYN appointment, so she hasn't had the pleasure of meeting mr. speculum. sooooo... i dunno. cold man + sex = most unpleasant sexual experience EVER?
Bridget : lol!
Kas : Now I'm curious what was written.
Scott : me too.
Caitlin : the general gist is that bella doesn't care about going through any basic rites of passage that humans do, she just wants to turn into a vamp to be with eddie forever and ever, whatever. he doesn't want her to be a vampire, but will turn her if they get married first. now she's trying to set the condition that she wants to jump his bones first, and he's not having any of it because he doesn't know what will happen, him being man-o-marble and her being accident prone and spongy flesh being.
she, always having endless faith that he won't hurt her, is being persistent, and he, having already hurt her (mentally... like that's hard), doesn't want to risk it until she is also cold and stony and yuck... i guess. this is truly contrived and has about 5 loopholes i've been figuring out through dinner, so i have to go read more to see if this absurd author will actually string it all together or not. i'm not holding my breath.
Megan : Has anyone ever figured out the answer to what happens to Edward when Bella is on her period?
Bridget : hehe
Scott : Surprisingly, there is an answer to that question.
Megan : Hahahahahahaa that is awesome.
in light of what i'm currently reading... 7 grammar errors/ typos and counting. http://icanhascheezburger.
now she's in love with jacob too. in love with jake, in love with eddie boy. well shit. we could get REALLY creative here and make it some kind of polyandrous relationship. at least you'd always know who the father was. pale sparkly kid? ed. russet brown with a fever? jake. but nooooooooooo...my version just wouldn't ...occur to this author. my best guess is jake's gonna die.
Christopher : Jake will wish he had died. What happens at the end to him is far worse than death. At least death has dignity.
Caitlin : oOo emasculation?
Krista : i am really diggin on that polyandrous relationship ;) I want one of those too!
Caitlin : LOL i know, krista! one for everyday of the week... or maybe just 2 or 3 so you don't get bored... hmmmmm.
on to breaking dawn! YAAAAAAAAAAAY LAST ONE! so just got to the morning after the wedding night. all i can say is... wtf, ed. so she likes it rough. most guys would be pretty happy about that and not pitch a fit.
SCORE getting my W-2s sent to the right address is awesooooooooooooome. k back to the book. bella's dying and i'm enjoying the thought a little too much.
Kas : Hahaha, that shows how annoying a character is when you start thinking their death wouldn't be a bad thing.
omg. i can't even snark. i just want to be done and to reward myself with a date tomorrow. no words for how completely retarded it is.
final thought: if i had to choose between re-reading those books and watching the crucixion of Christ, i would not hesitate to choose the latter.
Kelly : Ouch! But agreed.
Carolyn : Thank you so much for the much laughter you have been supplying through your book reviews! I love it!
Megan : You should make a list of things you'd rather do than read Twilight, like spend an entire day watching "I Am Legend" over and over.
Caitlin : ummm... if i got to pick the book, then reading twilight for a day would be far more enjoyable than watching i am legend over and over. the werewolves were funny.
Kelly : I am Legend wasn't THAT bad...
Caitlin : that movie was awful. 1) i hate seeing animals get hurt in movies, even though i know it's fake, and 2) not even will smith can carry an entire movie.
Kelly : I mean..it was bad...it just...was better than twilight the book. i've yet to see twilight the movie.
Megan : Ugh yes it was.
Kas : Love your comment. Now I really know it's not worth it to me to read the book solely for the right to make fun of it from a place of actual knowledge. Our tastes tend to align enough for me to listen to your judgment!
Megan : Twilight the movie was at least good for a laugh. Especially when he sparkles.
Caitlin : at least the twilight movie had decent music. i would buy that score. but i'd still spend a day reading selected portions of the books.
Caitlin : kas, run FAR FAR AWAY. if someone says you will like it, i say they are incomprehensibly stupid and obviously have no idea what your standards of quality are for literature.
Kas : haha, so true! Also, have fun with ze scientiste tonight. Definitely a sanity restorative after reading all those books.
Megan : Here I have summed up the entire series for you in LOLSpeak.
Edward: U haz a flavr lolz.
Bella: I can haz vampire?
Edward: Nom nom nom....
Jacob: NOOOOOOOO they iz stealin' my bukkit!
Kelly : lol
Caitlin : LOL thanks, megan. you did reader's digest proud right there.
Corey : Fuckin haters.
Dana : OMFG Megan! LOL. That's the funniest thing I've read in a LONG time. HAHAHAHA!
James : Yeah... Don't you feel as if you've lost something that you'll never be able to get back?
Caitlin : yes, james... several million brain cells and my integrity.
James : btw, I'm in chicago and guess what's on HBO at my hotel.... Vampires... Will Smith. Yup.