I know it 's been mentioned that three of us would be participating in this little venture, yet I've pretty much monopolized it thus far. For that, I'm not going to say I'm sorry. My co-bad-book-readers are, in fact, both educators, and I have nothing but respect for them, except for a smidge of jealousy. So they are
busybusybusy gearing up for Spring Break and the yuck that leads up to it, while I am still adjusting to my new surroundings and spending more time reading all by my lonesome. But don't cry for me, Argentina (yes I went there). I'm having a blast getting my writing going again, and I hope someone out there in cyberland is enjoying.
Anyway, my story continues with a book that my mom checked out from the library. Realizing she had already read it, she pawned it off on me, telling me that it's my kind of book with lots of history and blah blah blah. She handed me this brick called
Into the Wildnerness by Sara Donato. Once again, I relayed my feelings about this book on Facebook. Needless to say, if i'm complaining on my status updates ... it's bad. So here's what I had to say.
Caitlin is once again plodding my way through a book i don't like too much.
Caitlin : here's why:
1) it's a continuation story. y'know, like all those endlass book about the other bennett girls and mr. darcy's daughters and whatnot. i'm morally opposed to those. it's one thing to be inspired by your favorite book, but quite another to be so unoriginal (yes, i think it's completely unoriginal) as to "continue" some other author's book. imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery in this case, and i think right now J.F. Cooper would be dying to know that the continuation of Last of the Mohicans has become no better than a sordid romance novel. blech.
2) it's bad enough that LotM was brought into it. however, this author has also stepped into Merry O'l England, and yes, Jane Austen as well. how so? our heroine? elizabeth. that pretty little girl over there? kitty. a girl in the papers who runs of with a ne'er do well? lydia. a woman randomly mentioned in passing? jane! a woman from a memory? mary, of course! and to top it ALL off, how about a lovely visit to the Bennetts? ugh. ugghhh.
3) she's messing with Last of the Mohicans. that's my movie. and i've had the music in my head all day.
4) oh yeah, Nathaniel was the father, not Daniel. his name in the book was Natty. last time i checked that wasn't a nickname for Daniel. i'm pretty sure the movie did too.
but just to make sure, and to salvage my sanity, i'm going to put down the book (400 pages in, about halfway done), and watch the movie. i'm pretty sure cora calls him nathaniel. i'll correct myself if i'm wrong.
Megan : uhh what book is this?
Caitlin : into the wilderness by sara donati. some crap my mom got at the library and thought i'd like. not so much. i really take exception to her sullying the cave, which in the movie was a gorgeous and emotional scene. no, she turns it into the cave of deflowering. stupid stupid stupid. the author sullying the cave. not my mom.
Megan : Wow even the title is a rip off...sounds a bit too much like "Into the Wild" which happens to be a great book.
Kas : So basically instead of giving the character the proper name, which is Nathaniel, she gave him the name of the actor she thinks is super-hot (good old Daniel Day Lewis).
Caitlin : kas... yeah, pretty much. after rewatching the movie (so hard, i know), hawkeye is referred to as nathaniel. but never hawkeye. how bizarre. in any case, this writer is annoying.
AND, after reading a few more chapters last night, i discovered another P&P reference: the "heroine" finds out she's preggers and is trying to decide how to tell him. 'i'm pregnant' is too complicated i guess. but this was also the character that didn't know what to name sex.
anywho, she's musing about england, AND I QUOTE: "...Elizabeth thought of her cousin Marianne at an assembly ball, her mouth in a small moue of disdain as she whispered behind her fan: 'Imagine Jane Bingley dancing, and so obviously inceinte.'"
Now, why is that not simply the character referring to a favorite book? well, because all she refers to is Mary Wollstonecraft, Thomas Paine, the Bible, and Shakespeare. Second, it's historically inaccurate. this book takes place just under 40 years after LotM, which was set in 1757. this is 1793. So, P&P didn't even exist as a point of reference for this character Elizabeth to make.
and megan, this book is 1998. i think it came before into the wild (the movie at least).
Kas : The book "Into the Wild" is 1996. Hm, the movie might've just used Nathaniel because the movie is so unlike the book. No romance in the book, really. Good old traditional American fiction, where it's all about the men.
Caitlin : well, nathaniel is certainly a better hero name than natty, in my opinion. suits the times, too. and yeah, it really bothers me that this is a "romance" novel. like, really bugs me lol. see above about desecrating the cave. uuggggggggghhhhhhh. so now i'm on page 617, and i've decided that reading the rest of this book is officially P&P bingo. all i need to complete the set are Georgiana, Collins, and Charlotte going diagonally, or Wickham and Fitzwilliam going across FTW.
SHE STOLE CAPTAIN WENTWORTH, THE PLAGIARIST! and yes, i went through the thank-yous quite carefully, and no, there was no shout out to jane austen.
Caitlin : yes, i'm so disgusted i sent her a facebook message. this is how it went:
my mother recently suggested that i read your book based on my love of historic non-fiction, such as the works of J. F. Cooper and Jane Austen. However, as a student and devotee to the integrity of these works, i had to let you know that i'm thoroughly disappointed in the lack of creativity in your novel.
i hope to god you have gotten complaints these last twelve years from other people who were also not impressed, as i have been, with your additions of Jane Austen characters to your novel without even a mention of her on your Thank You pages. i just stumbled across Captain Wentworth on page 719, after having found all five Bennett sisters (especially with a Lydia running away), the Bennetts themselves, and Jane Bingley.
I'm sorry you have an editor and a publisher who let you get away with this, and i'm especially sorry you have been allowed to profit in any way, shape, or form, without giving credits where it's obviously due. however, i'm glad that both Cooper and Austen never lived to see such awful liberties taken in the good names of their characters.
has i purchased this book, i would be demanding a refund. thankfully it's a library book, but be assured i will never be holding another one of your books in my hands again, except to move it in order to get a book worth reading written by an author worth supporting.
of course the grammar was better and i properly capitalized everything. give me some credit.
i guess, to explain, i should say that i'm so bloody mad because there are thousands of people out there with a story to tell. hell, i'm one of them, and someday i'll know how the words will make the sentences, and how the sentences will form paragraphs, and chapters.
but it's all going to be mine, my characters i've carefully molded to serve their purpose, and my little details that shape the plot into something meaningful and worth writing about. to see this breech of etiquette, and really, this show of a lack of integrity, is reprehensible. unforgivable, disgusting, uncouth, disrespectful, shameful. fill in the blank with your favorite one, that's how i feel right now.
and if you must borrow from someone else's work, like these god-awful continuation stories, then you MUST give credit where credit is due, even if the author is long dead. if we intend to honor them with what we think is a befitting tribute to the greatness they began, then we must, as writers and everything that comes with the title, acknowledge where we began too. ... See more
we cannot plunk in a jane bingley wherever we want, believing it to be a subtle tribute that a select few who are "in the know" will get. jane bingley is not mine. she is not a figment of a daydream by this heroine. she is elizabeth bennett's older sister, and she belongs to jane austen. and she did not deserve to be brought in this rubbish bastardization of a great novel that i'm sure will outlive her drivel. it already has.
sara donati, you have no shelf life. shame on you.
finished that ghastly book. in conclusion, it's a rubbish piece of fanfiction mixed with tawdry harlequin romance scenes that just so happen to take place in familiar scenes from a beloved movie. blech. i'm reading last of the mohicans to make the men manly again.
END RANT! I guess i could elaborate for you all, but that pretty much sums it up. 800 pages of really bad drivel. not a fan.
And to answer the question, no, I have never touched any of the "Mr. Darcy's Daughters" books or anything like that. NO. I don't need anything beyond what was written by Jane Austen. Her story is good enough, and I don't have a niggling curiosity about what happened after they were married. Because in the end, it's just a book. A good book, yes. But a book.
JUST SO YOU KNOW: the format is date (duh), status update, crap ton of comments. Or sometimes none. All these people are in fact people I know in some capacity, Mostly through school or mutual friends from school. The conversations get random and no, i don't get it either. But it was all good fun... until the battle at the end of book four, then life was just awful.
January 26
attempting to read ALL FOUR twilight books in one fell swoop... time to see if the books described to me as "tween girl soft-core mormon porn fanfiction" are all they're cracked up to be.
Kelly : Ugh. You poor thing. Remove all sharp objects from the room in which you read. They're effin awful...
Megan : Hahaha I told her she will want to kill herself after the first one. I can't even bring myself to read the rest because the first one was so painful.
Kelly : I seriously do not get why people like it. It's sappy, poorly written (I found typos) and completely disturbing in places.
Matt : Caitlin, I never knew you were so masochistic...
Megan : Hahahaha.
Caitlin : oh come on, i was a lit major! i LIVE for this kind of pain.
Andrea : I actually liked the books. *don't shoot* I completely agree with the poor writing / repetitiveness, but I still found the story entertaining. Breaking Dawn was disturbing on many levels but I couldn't put it down.
Kelly : The end of breaking dawn with the "battle" or whatever...terrible. She needed a lesson in how to write a good fight scene. Or at least watched an action flick. Do Mormon's get to watch movies? :-p
Megan : Better than the end of the first one where rather than there being action they describe to her what happened.
Kelly : I want to hear more from Caitlin! Let us know where you are at now.
James : No. No they are not.
Caitlin : kelly - haven't you ever heard of clean flicks? THAT'S how mormons watch movies. edited to death until they don't make sense because anything they don't like is taken out or overdubbed.
ok, 200 pages in. i'm already sick of/ disgusted by/ supremely annoyed that edward's voice keeps being referred to, in some degree, as being velvet-y. velvet is outdated. was when this book was being written, still is now, and now i have black velvet stuck in my head. PS in love with him already is LAME.
Andrea : After she compares him to marble about 8 million times you will forget all about the velvety voice. Don't worry, the rest of the books aren't quite so repetitive.
Kelly : OMG your status is going to provide me with the best entertainment EVER. Thanks Caitlin!!!
Matt : AGREED, don't stop the commentary.
Stephanie : He also "murmurs" a lot.
Megan : And she never shuts up about how cold he is.
Kelly : I'm...cold.
Megan : Hahaha who would you rather wake up to see standing at the end of your bed...a vampire or the creepy I'm cold kid?
Kelly : Does the vampire sparkle?And does the creepy kid have a knife?
Megan : No knife and the vampire only sparkles in the sunlight so it doesn't apply at night.
Kelly : Ok...hmm...I guess I'd rather wake up to the vampire. But his name needs to
be Bill Compton.
Megan : I'm gonna fly down there and dress in all white and sit at the foot of your bed and say "I'm...cold" over and over.
Matt : TRUE BLOOD!!!!! ♥ that show.
Kelly : Elliot would bite your face hahaha. Thats her spot on my bed.
Caitlin : LOL and i'm the entertainment, kelly? this is freakin PRICELESS!
Megan : This status feed is probably a better read than that lame book.
Kelly : What hehehe...I'm adorable ♥
Caitlin : got a new one up for the night. i'm sure more status changes will come in the morning.
one more for the night: page 330 or so. we're in love!!!! he touches her and she tingles BLAH BLAH BLAH. he turns you on... omfg we get it, bella! you smell nice and he likes to... breathe your scent... um. i think i read that in a harlequin romance novel once upon a time, actually, but in a significantly, shall we say, different context.
Megan : Oh she doesn't just tingle...she attacks him, which is naturally what we all do when we like someone.
Caitlin : indeed. OH, i needed to mention that edward... oh edward. tossing his magnificent head and laughing. at least he has a personality, unlike the movie. you might even say it's a *sparkling* personality. but SRSLY, folks, the monologue in the meadows, and now he just keeeeeeps on taaaaaaalking. he needs to STFU already!!
Alta : I'm really glad you're reading these not because they are good books but because I am greatly enjoying the updates on your progress.
Kelly : I just had an idea caitlin. ask the megan about it hehehe.
James : I think twilight actually gives harlequin romance novels a bad name. Twilight needs more bodice ripping.
Caitlin : kelly and megan - I LOVE IT!!! let's do it, that's frickin awesome and amazing!
alta - you knew it would be this way. you're the one that called it soft-core mormon porn, if i recall correctly... lol what kind of mindset was that supposed to put me in?!?!
james - i love you! more bodice ripping! drinks all around!
around page 425 now. they just "formally" dropped the L-bombs. i just want to know why there are SO MANY insipid details about cold skin and brilliant white teeth, yet none of my questions get answered because the "important" stuff is so vaguely explained and relies heavily, if not solely, on the emotional naivety of the intended audience of pre-pubescent tweens who have no idea how to sort through and control all their new emotions.
Kelly : Heheheh. Save these comments and we'll use them.
Alta : I did call it soft-core mormon porn, cause thats what it is, oh and a teeny tiny little plot thrown in right at the end...guh
January 27
final verdict for twilight: wow, most anti-climactic ending EVER. the prom bit was really stupid, i would have gotten rid of the whole thing, called the author, and told her it needed to be entirely restructured, and needed to have a point, or else i wouldn't allow it to be in the book. end grammar/ typo flub count: 3. really stupid ones too, that pisses me off.
Caitlin : so, on to new moon! and by "!" i mean "yay..." in the most insincere way possible.
Megan : Don't you love how at the end when there is finally action, she passes out and misses it and they just have to tell her "Oh yeah, we killed the bad guy."
Kas : I'm enjoying the comments. I still haven't been able to bring myself to read those books. I should, tho, if only so I can make fun with real knowledge :p
Christopher : I read the first 2 pages, realized it was awful, and was satisfied with having read this:
http://stoney321.livejournal.com/317176.htmlKelly : Hahahahah
around the page 200 mark. lots of hanging out with jacob. B still seems zombie-like to me, but that's because i'll forever have kristen stewart imprinted on my brain as bella. and thanks to a certain blog link posted under my last update, i now have the image of the actor who played unkas in last of the mohicans in my ...head, because that's who is pictured in said blog as jakey-poo. *droooooool.*
Caitlin : so we have cradle robbing, cliff diving, and motorcycles. sounds like more anti-climactic shenanigans and opportunities for bella "i'm an injured kitten" swan to get more attention from guys she doesn't deserve. rad.
Jillyn : you're hilarious
Stephanie : So wait, wait...why are you reading the second one if you didn't like the first one? Just so you can complain about it? Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with that...just curious.
Caitlin : stephanie, i want to read all 4 of them just to do it. kinda a stubbornness streak, but i also hate it when people rag on me and say, "well, you saw the movie but never read the books, so you don't know." which makes me curious. and i'd give the first one a solid C-. i'm actually liking this one more. and by liking, i mean i still have a picture of that actor in my head for jacob, and that makes me happy.
page 366. OH LOOK bella jumped off a cliff... somehow hits the water without knowing it (? oh. waves. k.), and then blacks out. can anyone say cry for help? this girl is seriously suicidal. not to mention obsessive. poor jake! kid gets sick and she's calling him all over the place, hassling his dad, and feeding her own... dad stories. oy vey, girl! leave him alone! no? ok, then jump off a cliff. ATTENTION WHORE.
page 485 AND THERE'S THE VELVET AGAIN. DAMMIT, EDWARD, I DID NOT MISS YOU.
Caitlin : team jacob!
Megan : I'm team Taylor Lautner.
Caitlin : hmmm... it can be team taylor/ hot Native American actor/ jacob/ but not really jacob.
Megan : I actually was stuck behind a car today that had a "Team Edward" bumper sticker. I died a little.
Caitlin : ew
on to eclipse. typo/ grammar count in new moon: 2. plot count: um...? what?
Megan : -12?
Caitlin : pretty much.
Alta : Eclipse was my favorite! I cannot remember why though, maybe it had a real plot? Anywho, maybe your posts will inspire me to reread it, cause I keep trying to remember why I liked it most and can't...
Molly : why are you doing this to yourself?
Ashley : When you finish Breaking Dawn tell me the ending. I only made it half way though the book before I threw it across the room because I couldn't read such trash.
Megan : I haven't read the last 3, but I believe in the last book she has some demon baby and some other shit goes down and then they all sparkle some more.
Caitlin : EPIC DISCOVERY: the whole theme of the book is based on whatever quote she puts at the beginning of the book. in fact, i wouldn't be surprised at all if she based all 4 books off these quotes. i mean... romeo & juliet in new moon? and now frost's fire and ice, an obvious reference to too-hot tall furry boy and cold-as-marble adonis? so ...
Caitlin : and it wasn't actually epic, i figured it out at the start of new moon and the theory was confirmed with eclipse.
January 28
i guess it's back to obsessive bella and fabric/stone like edward. last night his voice was smooth as silk. it was a departure.
Jessica : I cannot believe you're putting yourself through that torture!
Kelly : This weekend I am seriously starting the blog. Keep these saved!
most. awkward. proposition for sex. ever. i seriously had to put the book down and walk away. i'm embarassed that someone thought that it was ok to leave that in the book without some major overhauling. and i'm really embarassed that it was written in the first place. ugghhh.
Caitlin : and i know bella's only 18 and probably hasn't had her first OB/GYN appointment, so she hasn't had the pleasure of meeting mr. speculum. sooooo... i dunno. cold man + sex = most unpleasant sexual experience EVER?
Bridget : lol!
Kas : Now I'm curious what was written.
Scott : me too.
Caitlin : the general gist is that bella doesn't care about going through any basic rites of passage that humans do, she just wants to turn into a vamp to be with eddie forever and ever, whatever. he doesn't want her to be a vampire, but will turn her if they get married first. now she's trying to set the condition that she wants to jump his bones first, and he's not having any of it because he doesn't know what will happen, him being man-o-marble and her being accident prone and spongy flesh being.
she, always having endless faith that he won't hurt her, is being persistent, and he, having already hurt her (mentally... like that's hard), doesn't want to risk it until she is also cold and stony and yuck... i guess. this is truly contrived and has about 5 loopholes i've been figuring out through dinner, so i have to go read more to see if this absurd author will actually string it all together or not. i'm not holding my breath.
Megan : Has anyone ever figured out the answer to what happens to Edward when Bella is on her period?
Bridget : hehe
Scott : Surprisingly, there is an answer to that question.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SoPsboh6zXcMegan : Hahahahahahaa that is awesome.
in light of what i'm currently reading... 7 grammar errors/ typos and counting.
http://icanhascheezburger.com/2010/01/28/funny-pictures-shakespeare-kitteh/now she's in love with jacob too. in love with jake, in love with eddie boy. well shit. we could get REALLY creative here and make it some kind of polyandrous relationship. at least you'd always know who the father was. pale sparkly kid? ed. russet brown with a fever? jake. but nooooooooooo...my version just wouldn't ...occur to this author. my best guess is jake's gonna die.
Christopher : Jake will wish he had died. What happens at the end to him is far worse than death. At least death has dignity.
Caitlin : oOo emasculation?
Krista : i am really diggin on that polyandrous relationship ;) I want one of those too!
Caitlin : LOL i know, krista! one for everyday of the week... or maybe just 2 or 3 so you don't get bored... hmmmmm.
January 29
on to breaking dawn! YAAAAAAAAAAAY LAST ONE! so just got to the morning after the wedding night. all i can say is... wtf, ed. so she likes it rough. most guys would be pretty happy about that and not pitch a fit.
SCORE getting my W-2s sent to the right address is awesooooooooooooome. k back to the book. bella's dying and i'm enjoying the thought a little too much.
Kas : Hahaha, that shows how annoying a character is when you start thinking their death wouldn't be a bad thing.
omg. i can't even snark. i just want to be done and to reward myself with a date tomorrow. no words for how completely retarded it is.
January 30
final thought: if i had to choose between re-reading those books and watching the crucixion of Christ, i would not hesitate to choose the latter.
Kelly : Ouch! But agreed.
Carolyn : Thank you so much for the much laughter you have been supplying through your book reviews! I love it!
Megan : You should make a list of things you'd rather do than read Twilight, like spend an entire day watching "I Am Legend" over and over.
Caitlin : ummm... if i got to pick the book, then reading twilight for a day would be far more enjoyable than watching i am legend over and over. the werewolves were funny.
Kelly : I am Legend wasn't THAT bad...
Caitlin : that movie was awful. 1) i hate seeing animals get hurt in movies, even though i know it's fake, and 2) not even will smith can carry an entire movie.
Kelly : I mean..it was bad...it just...was better than twilight the book. i've yet to see twilight the movie.
Megan : Ugh yes it was.
Kas : Love your comment. Now I really know it's not worth it to me to read the book solely for the right to make fun of it from a place of actual knowledge. Our tastes tend to align enough for me to listen to your judgment!
Megan : Twilight the movie was at least good for a laugh. Especially when he sparkles.
Caitlin : at least the twilight movie had decent music. i would buy that score. but i'd still spend a day reading selected portions of the books.
Caitlin : kas, run FAR FAR AWAY. if someone says you will like it, i say they are incomprehensibly stupid and obviously have no idea what your standards of quality are for literature.
Kas : haha, so true! Also, have fun with ze scientiste tonight. Definitely a sanity restorative after reading all those books.
Megan : Here I have summed up the entire series for you in LOLSpeak.
Edward: U haz a flavr lolz.
Bella: I can haz vampire?
Edward: Nom nom nom....
Jacob: NOOOOOOOO they iz stealin' my bukkit!
Kelly : lol
Caitlin : LOL thanks, megan. you did reader's digest proud right there.
Corey : Fuckin haters.
Dana : OMFG Megan! LOL. That's the funniest thing I've read in a LONG time. HAHAHAHA!
James : Yeah... Don't you feel as if you've lost something that you'll never be able to get back?
Caitlin : yes, james... several million brain cells and my integrity.
James : btw, I'm in chicago and guess what's on HBO at my hotel.... Vampires... Will Smith. Yup.
That's right, you read it correctly. We read bad books. Not intentionally, of course. Well, not intentionally all the time. But every once in a while, everyone picks up a book about which they've heard mixed reviews. Someone insists it's not worth using as bird cage liner, while others think that it's so amazing that, if it were alive, it would eat clouds and crap rainbows.
Well, towards the end of January this year, a fit of madness struck me. After incessant nagging from a friend of mine and words of warning from another, combined with the insatiable curiosity of a six year-old, I went to the local library, checked out all four books in the Twilight saga, and prepared to do nothing but read them until i was DONE.
My entire experience was chronicled through my Facebook status updates. When I needed to take a breather or read something so ridiculous I had to share, I'd post. What followed was several days of interaction from a lot of people, and the idea to start a blog chronicling the experience of a reading bad book. Or many bad books.
This concept was the brainchild of a girl named Kelly. Kelly went to Graduate school with my best friend from high school (who still can't get rid of me), and she enjoyed my rants so thoroughly, she proposed starting a blog. Our mutual friend, Megan, with her love of literature (both bad and good) and love of doing really random and offbeat things like this, was absolutely on board as well, and they started the blog.
The crazy person who actually endeavored to read the Twilight books and lived to tell the tale? I'm Caitlin. Welcome to the madness. For my part, I've decided on some boundaries. The books I'll be reading will mostly be classics or the books that make people say "ZOMG YOU MUST READ THIS!"
Why? very simple. It's killing two birds with one stone; I'll read the classics and popular books, fulfilling my reading list, and I'll be able to intelligently criticize that which I don't like from a thorough and learned aspect. Which means that now everyone who said I shouldn't judge Twilight based on the movie and to read the book know that I really hated it all.
I am also doing this on a shoestring budget, also known as I'm broke and don't have a job... hello, library! That's right, I'm not paying for books I could potentially hate! Who in their right mind would do that? Not I, says me.
So. what now? I'll end this the best way i possibly could. For your entertainment, I compiled the status updates and comments that started this. Enjoy. Laugh. If you don't like it, my humor, or the fact that I KNOW Twilight sucks, then I will inform you up front that I don't care and your comments will be deleted and/or ignored.
